Self-Compassionate Parenting

Many parents enter a parenting workshop with the fear that they will learn what they are doing wrong.  I have heard parents beat themselves up, saying things like, “I shouldn’t have reacted that way!” and “Now I’ve really screwed up my kid!” 

The truth is:

1.       There is no such thing as “perfect parenting,” thank goodness!  How would our children ever 
  live up to the expectation to be like you if you were perfect!  Talk about pressure!

2.       Parents are human beings.  Which means we will not behave consistently all of the time.  We
         may intend to always react calmly to our children, and yet when the unexpected happens (e.g.,
        You walk into the kitchen to find that your 2-year-old has dumped the sugar canister out onto
         the floor) we just might scream!

So you may want to next comfort the frightened toddler.  But there is no reason to beat yourself up.  Your toddler is going to see you get upset for a variety of reasons from time to time.  What’s important is that she also sees you treat yourself with compassion.

The fact that you are reading this blog says that you are striving to learn about your child and about what you can do as a parent to nurture competence.  You want your child to be happy and to grow into an authentic, responsible adult.  You believe in the importance of the parent-child connection and you want to have a good relationship with your child.  How wonderful!  Your child already benefits simply from your willingness to grow as a parent. 

Our culture promotes striving for perfection.  It makes sense that we’ve learned to judge ourselves in the areas of academic and/or job performance, athletic ability, physical appearance, and of course parenting, to name a few. But with self-judgment often comes self-criticism, which may consist of some fairly harsh, negative, mental thrashing (e.g., “What a bad parent ! am!  Why did I lose my temper over something so silly?”).  Clearly such negative thoughts serve to tear down our own sense of competence.

If you feel you have mishandled a situation with your child, rather than beating yourself up try kindness. You don’t deserve to be punished for your mistake, but that is what you are doing when you criticize yourself in a demeaning fashion. 

What does your child need when he is upset with himself?  He needs you to notice and validate his feelings with compassion and caring.  You might say, “I can tell you’re upset.  You wanted your drawing to turn out differently and so now you’re disappointed. Is that right?  Why don’t we look at the drawing together and you can tell me what you think you’d like to do differently.  And then if you’d like to do another drawing we’ll get more paper.”        

That is the kind of response you can give to yourself.  According to psychologist, Kristin Neff, the first step in a self-compassionate approach is to notice that you’re upset and that you are criticizing yourself. Take a moment to realize the “tone of voice” you are using in your self-talk.  If you are calling yourself names, do you sound angry, cold, harsh? 

Then, just as you would comfort your child, or a good friend, be compassionate with yourself.  Practice an attitude of acceptance.  You might tell yourself, “That didn’t turn out the way I wanted…. Like every other human being on this earth, I made a mistake.  The best thing I can do right now is to be kind to myself, then I can think about what I might do differently the next time.”  Your tone of voice would be soft and compassionate. You could smile, and even give yourself a hug.  According to Dr. Neff, your body responds to that physical gesture of warmth and care.  It may seem silly, but self-hugging can help to soothe distressing emotions.

An added benefit to developing a self-compassionate attitude is that your children will see this and will follow your lead.  They will be able to make mistakes and see that it’s no big deal because they’ve seen you accept your own mistakes. 

I highly recommend the book, Self-Compassion, by Kristin Neff, Ph.D.  Take a few moments to look at her website, where she has a brief video clip and some guided meditations. 

www.self-compassion.org

Nurturing Emotional Awareness

You never know who you’ll meet in the grocery store. After picking up a few items the other day, I was standing in line lost in thought and occasionally glancing at the tabloid headlines.  And then my wandering eyes settled on the infant in the cart in front of me, her face seemingly focused on mine. I smiled at her, and soon she smiled back. At that moment I lapsed into my baby-communication mode, broadening my smile, lifting my eye-brows, my face reflecting the delight I experienced at entering into this “conversation” with the infant. Her smile faded momentarily, an indication that she noticed the change in my face. Then she smiled again. I said “Hello,” then, “How are you?” and so on, words she didn’t understand but my face was highly animated, my voice soft and high-pitched, and my inflection exaggerated. She stared intently at my mouth, appearing to study it carefully, then smiled again

She and I went on like this for only about 60 seconds, yet it was a highly meaningful conversation for a four-month-old infant who won’t begin speaking in words for at least another year.    

Magical!  Her focus on me caused me to smile; my smile brought her to smile, and we carried on, effecting changes in each other as our facial expressions changed. 

What makes it seem even more like magic is the knowledge that her brain seeks out faces!  She is hard wired for eye contact and locking into another’s gaze! And so begins the fascinating development of social connection. Developmental psychologists now know that without this gaze and communication with a caregiver the infant may fail to develop competence in the areas of Emotional Awareness and Relationship Skills (see previous blog, “What Do Competent Kids Look Like?”).

Those parents who experienced this sort of interaction with their own parents generally find it effortless and very natural to engage with their infant. If one’s parent was engaged to that degree, the individual probably benefited from a healthy attachment. 

Not everyone had that good fortune. Many of us were not exposed to the caring gaze from a parent who was secure and could comfort us when we were distressed, and yet we know that even those parents who were raised by parents who were not reliably available can learn how to connect with their infant. 

In this busy world of ours, most parents could benefit from a few important reminders:

1.       Your baby wants to see your face, your eyes. Watch your infant’s mouth as you smile and then make an “O” with your lips; you’re likely to see his efforts to mimic your mouth. Your baby will help you help him to communicate! 

2.      Your baby’s brain relies on input from you and the environment to stimulate its growth. Talk to your baby even if you know she doesn’t understand the words. Touch your baby with sensitive, caring hands. Hold her close to your heart. Sing and laugh. All of this provides comfort and nurtures brain growth.

3.      Be aware. Marvel at your baby’s growth. Watch the changes. Notice your baby’s moods and tell him what you see, not just through words but with your facial expressions.  When you see a smile tell him, “You look so happy,” with a happy face and voice. When you seea frown tell him, “You seem sad,” with a momentary frown of your own. You are your baby’s mirror.

What Do Competent Kids Look Like?

What do Competent Kids Look Like?

Competence:   having suitable or sufficient skill, knowledge, experience for some purpose.

   I’ll start with the above dictionary definition of competence.  It accurately describes competent children to some degree (“having suitable or sufficient skill, knowledge, experience…”).  The second part of the definition, “for some purpose,” needs further explanation.  For what “purpose” would we like children to demonstrate skill and knowledge?  Here is a list of four major areas, described here briefly, to be expanded more fully in later blogs.    

 Emotional Awareness  The competent child is able to label his emotions, and understands that emotions change.  He is aware of feeling sad or angry or delighted!  While any emotion can trigger a reactive response, the competent child understands that sometimes it is best to stop and think before responding.  He has strategies that help him to calm down when feeling stressed.  He laughs out loud and knows the feeling of sheer enjoyment! 

Confidence   “I think I can..”  The competent child has a realistic view of her ability to accomplish tasks, and a willingness to “try harder” when not succeeding.  A “Competent Kid” is willing to attempt new skills and believes that with effort and perseverance she will improve.  The competent child doesn’t have to be the “best”, and while aware of her competitive feelings, can enjoy the successes of others. 

Relationship Skills   The competent child is able to connect with others.  He is willing to communicate his feelings and to listen to the feelings of others.  The competent child learns to deal with conflict, and to negotiate solutions.  He demonstrates empathy and has a desire to help those in need.  All Competent Kids are not outgoing; the child who is more introverted enjoys being with one or two other children and/or adults rather than a large crowd.  The shy competent child knows this about himself and is comfortable spending some time alone, and some time with friends. 

Curiosity   Competent children maintain their natural curiosity to explore the environment and to understand themselves and their world.  The competent child is mindful of his surroundings and notices changes.  She is open to all that is available and is eager to learn.  She is comfortable seeking answers, so can ask questions without fear of being judged. 

Now the next question is:  What do the parents of Competent Children look like? 

I will be writing about parenting skills that help us raise children who are competent; who grow to be competent adults interested in the thoughts and feelings of others, who want to grow and develop, enjoying a variety of interests and activities.  What can we do to foster these traits in our children?