The truth is:
1.
There is no such thing as “perfect parenting,”
thank goodness! How would our children
ever
live up to the expectation to be like you if you were perfect! Talk about pressure!
live up to the expectation to be like you if you were perfect! Talk about pressure!
2. Parents are human beings. Which means we will not behave consistently all of the time. We
may intend to always react calmly to our children, and yet when the unexpected happens (e.g.,
You walk into the kitchen to find that your 2-year-old has dumped the sugar canister out onto
the floor) we just might scream!
So you may want to next comfort the frightened toddler. But there is no reason to beat yourself up. Your toddler is going to see you get upset for a variety of reasons from time to time. What’s important is that she also sees you treat yourself with compassion.
The fact that you are reading
this blog says that you are striving to learn about your child and about what
you can do as a parent to nurture competence.
You want your child to be happy and to grow into an authentic,
responsible adult. You believe in the
importance of the parent-child connection and you want to have a good
relationship with your child. How
wonderful! Your child already benefits
simply from your willingness to grow as a parent.
Our culture promotes striving
for perfection. It makes sense that
we’ve learned to judge ourselves in the areas of academic and/or job performance,
athletic ability, physical appearance, and of course parenting, to name a few.
But with self-judgment often comes self-criticism, which may consist of some
fairly harsh, negative, mental thrashing (e.g., “What a bad parent ! am! Why did I lose my temper over something so
silly?”). Clearly such negative thoughts
serve to tear down our own sense of competence.
If you feel you have
mishandled a situation with your child, rather than beating yourself up try
kindness. You don’t deserve to be punished for your mistake, but that is what
you are doing when you criticize yourself in a demeaning fashion.
What does your child need
when he is upset with himself? He needs
you to notice and validate his feelings with compassion and caring. You might say, “I can tell you’re upset. You wanted your drawing to turn out
differently and so now you’re disappointed. Is that right? Why don’t we look at the drawing together and
you can tell me what you think you’d like to do differently. And then if you’d like to do another drawing
we’ll get more paper.”
That is the kind of response
you can give to yourself. According to
psychologist, Kristin Neff, the first step in a self-compassionate approach is
to notice that you’re upset and that you are criticizing yourself. Take a
moment to realize the “tone of voice” you are using in your self-talk. If you are calling yourself names, do you
sound angry, cold, harsh?
Then, just as you would comfort
your child, or a good friend, be compassionate with yourself. Practice an attitude of acceptance. You might tell yourself, “That didn’t turn
out the way I wanted…. Like every other human being on this earth, I made a
mistake. The best thing I can do right
now is to be kind to myself, then I can think about what I might do differently
the next time.” Your tone of voice would
be soft and compassionate. You could smile, and even give yourself a hug. According to Dr. Neff, your body responds to
that physical gesture of warmth and care.
It may seem silly, but self-hugging can help to soothe distressing
emotions.
An added benefit to
developing a self-compassionate attitude is that your children will see this
and will follow your lead. They will be
able to make mistakes and see that it’s no big deal because they’ve seen you
accept your own mistakes.
I highly recommend the book,
Self-Compassion, by Kristin Neff, Ph.D.
Take a few moments to look at her website, where she has a brief video
clip and some guided meditations.
www.self-compassion.org 